(no subject)

HOW TO SAVE YOUR ASS IF YOU PLAN TO VISIT WISCONSIN THIS SUMMER
ISSUED BY THE WISCONSIN BUREAU OF TOURISM TO ALL VISITORS:

1) Don't order Filet Mignon or Pasta Primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
you upset the ladies in the kitchen, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of pop here. Here it's called "soda." Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a
bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to
time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate and let her win. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love
and pride of cheese or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak rare like God intended
and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York
and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, interstate 90, 94 and 43 are ready when you are. Move your ass on home
before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to
Chicago.

12) Don't ridicule our manners. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.

15) The Green Bay Packers are not a joke. God created the greatest football dynasty ever and placed it in Green Bay. Any jokes about the Packers or
Vince Lombardi will result in a severe and unrelenting ass kicking.

16) If you are from Atlanta, for your own safety, say you are from somewhere else, lest you get your ass kicked. (Take three sports franchises from
Milwaukee and we have a tendency to hold a grudge.)

17) If you are looking for a water fountain, you'll need to go to a park. Water comes out of bubblers here. Make a joke about it, and you guessed
it, another ass kicking.

18) Sausage Races are cool. Make fun of it, and one of the Sausages will come up from the field of Miller Park and lay down a 8 foot sausage ass
kicking on you.

19) The University of Wisconsin is the oldest, best school in the Big Ten. Any jokes about the quality of UW will result in Barry Alvarez, Ron Dayne,
Dick Bennett, Bo Ryan, Crazylegs Hirsch, Alan Ameche, Pat Richter, and any able bodied UW students assisting Bucky Badger in his class, Ass-Kicking 101.

20) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us that hunting is cruelty to animals and venison is not edible meat. This will get your ass shot (after it is kicked). Say this twice and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Now enjoy your visit and then go home!

(no subject)

Never let us forget our roots. Are yours planted in the country? (Without the Courtesy of) Jeff Foxworthy offers some hints:

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Your family tree has no forks.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..."

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck.

You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"

You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

You may be a Redneck if ... You and your dog use the same tree.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

You have more belt-buckles than pants.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.

You may be a redneck if your wife's best coat has the name of a sports team on the back.