The clock is ticking

[cryowizard]

A newly-found sense of my own mortality has set in.


We all know how it all ends, of course. However, this acute feeling of eventually there being an end to the road I am on is something new.

A few episodes brought it about.

First took place last year, when I was in London, having a good time just like I always do over there. I was in a tube car going to a party when I looked at my own reflection in the window opposite me, and saw my father's face. The resemblence was striking. More so if you consider the fact I look very little like him. The illusion lasted but a few moments yet it had a profound effect on me. I felt like I had crossed an invisible line of some sort, a line separating different sections of my life, a line that brings me closer to the end. All of a sudden I remembered the phrase from `Good Will Hunting`: "<...>tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll be fifty".

And it hit me that tomorrow I will wake up fifty. Because the last five years flew by so quickly I barely noticed them.

Second happened when I was watching the series finale of Six Feet Under. The closing minutes fast forward through the lives of the show's main characters, including the girl who's 20 at the time, as she leaves for New York, full of hope. They fast forward through her life until she dies at the age of 102. It was a full life, no question about it, but at the end she rides that flat line of a heart monitor, and then she's gone.

Made me wonder -- if someone fast-forwarded my life till I'm gone, would they find actual living there?

And finally what nailed it, as I have previously said, was me meeting my nephew in San Diego. He's fifteen, he's tall, he installs Linux and can actually support a conversation. Yet only a blink of an eye back it was I who were 15, he wasn't around, and my cousin, my childhood hero of unattainable accomplishments, told me he's getting married.

This year I have hit The Big Three Oh. I sure have a thing or two to show for it. Yet plenty more endeavors remain to be tried.

I am optimistic and hope to accomplish most of what I have on my life's to-do list.

I just simply realized I have to hurry the f*** up! :)

Comments

[kdin.livejournal.com]

What's wrong with 50?
Занесенный снегом домик, fireplace, кресло качалка и уютный плед, коньячок, сигара и пожелтевшая книжка... Хорошо-то как;)

[baffled-pumpkin.livejournal.com]

Made me wonder -- if someone fast-forwarded my life till I'm gone, would they find actual living there?
-- Considering how much time you spend at work, I am wondering about that, too :) Unless, you are one of those people for whom work is the only form of living, of course. But I'd prefer you spending more time consuming alcoholic beverages in my company!