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Oct. 8th, 2005 01:37 amFrom http://www.livejournal.com/users/silhiriel/63098.html#cutid1
A Message To The Citizens Of The United States Of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize
will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using
the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July
4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact
that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If
you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour. The former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless
stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as "Good
Guys". Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
"Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further,
you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
A Message To The Citizens Of The United States Of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize
will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using
the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen. July
4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact
that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult
enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If
you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour. The former USA will adopt UK
prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless
stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as "Good
Guys". Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
"Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further,
you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese